


i should not say i love you (but i feel it all the time)

by atthedivide



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 15x20 Fix-It, First Kiss, Fix-It, M/M, dean and cas are so gay for each other, fuck the cw all my bitches hate the cw, how it should've gone, when the brainrot hits
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-22
Updated: 2020-11-22
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:08:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27675826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/atthedivide/pseuds/atthedivide
Summary: Dean gets to heaven and finds out Cas is alive. Angels are summoned. Confessions are made. Kisses are had. The works.
Relationships: Castiel - Relationship, Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 11
Kudos: 144





	i should not say i love you (but i feel it all the time)

**Author's Note:**

> if you had asked me a 2 weeks ago if I'd be posting the first fic I've written since i was 12 and that it was for supernatural ???? i would've laughed my ass off but here i am. disclaimer i haven't watched the show since like season 9 and didn't ever plan to again but then 15x18 happened and i fixated again and then the cw took me out back and shot me point blank and this fic happened. its not edited or beta'd we die like men. if anything is ooc im sorry this was just brainrot happening in real time and it happened. anyway . enjoy

The first thing Dean noticed was the warmth of the sun on his face. His eyes were closed, his mind still trying to shake off the brief blackness of _in between_. He remembered dying. Remembered Sam staying with him until the end. Remembered the nail in his back. He didn’t feel sad or angry about it, although maybe he should. He’d fought angels and demons and God himself, but a wrong step and a rusty nail was what had gotten him in the end. There had to be a joke in there somewhere. Still, he wasn’t upset about dying, it was just something that happened, and now he was here.

He opened his eyes to see where here was. He stood on a dirt road surrounded by forest. He could see mountains in the distance. The air was clear and fresh and he took a deep breath, feeling his lungs expand. He tried to place what memory this was, what memory heaven thought happy enough to drop him into for eternity, but he couldn't. Maybe dying and getting resurrected so many times before had messed with his memory. He wouldn’t be surprised. He turned around, and found he was standing behind a wooden building. He really didn’t remember this happening in his life. He moved toward the front of the building, surprised to find the stiffness of his joints that had come with age and fighting monsters for a living was gone. He felt better than he had for years. He knew heaven was supposed to be an escape from pain and suffering, but he had never really considered joint pain to be on the no entry list.

He made it around the front of the building and stopped short. He recognized it as Harvelle’s Roadhouse, and sitting in a rocking chair on the wooden porch was Bobby. He had a beer in his hand and looked healthier than Dean ever remembered him looking. Bobby looked over at him and smiled.

“Heya, Dean. Come sit. Have a beer.” Bobby said with a smile, nodding at the empty chair next to him. Dean was still trying to place all this in his memory but he just couldn’t. Something in him registered that maybe this wasn’t a memory after all. Dean sat down and the chair and another beer appeared out of thin air next to him on the table.

“Is this heaven?” Dean asked, picking up the bottle.

“You know it is, kid. You have to feel it.” Bobby replied. And he was right. Dean did feel the peace of this place. The divineness seeping out of everything.

“I don’t remember this memory, though. I was never here in this place with you.” Dean said, taking a drink of the beer. The familiarity of the bitterness sliding down his throat made him feel 16 years old again.

“Heaven don’t work like that anymore,” Bobby said with a grin. “This isn’t a memory. It’s a whole new world up here now. Everyone you’ve ever loved will show up here eventually. You’re free up here to live out eternity however you want to.”

Dean let that sink in for a moment. Free wasn’t really something he’d ever considered himself to be. There had always been someone he was supposed to be fighting or protecting. Something he was supposed to be doing. He hadn’t truly been free in a very long time, if ever. He took another drink.

“How?” Dean asked, looking over at Bobby. He had an idea, but it seemed too good to be true. Bobby grinned again.

“Jack did some remodeling. It was the second thing he did when he took over. No more being stuck in memories. No more loops. Jack knew this place had just been a shinier version of hell for a long time, so he fixed it. He visits sometimes.” Bobby said, and Dean felt pride swell in his chest. He’d known Jack was good. He’d known Jack would do right by humanity, even if he was “hands-off” as he promised he’d be.

“Cas helped.” Bobby added with a raised eyebrow, and Dean’s mind ground to a halt. Cas.

“You mean he’s-“ Dean said, his heart stuttering in his chest. Bobby shot him a knowing look.

“That was the first thing Jack did. He pulled Cas back out. Put him to work right away,” Bobby laughed. “He didn’t seem to mind.”

Dean’s brain was running in overtime trying to sort through his thoughts. Cas was here. Cas was _alive_. And he’d helped build this place. If Dean focused hard enough, he thought he could almost feel Cas in the energy of everything here. He’d spent so long tuned into Cas’ _everything_ that he could probably recognize him anywhere. Dean had spent so long ignoring what that meant for him. But, he’d had had a lot of time to think after Cas died, and had finally come to the conclusion that he’d been very stupid for a very long time. Now he had the chance to fix it.

“That’s … um. That’s good.” Dean said, trying not to meet Bobby’s eyes. He guessed that Bobby probably knew, but he wasn’t quite ready to face that head on yet. Bobby let out a short laugh.

“He’ll come if you call.” Bobby said, taking a final swig of his beer. “He always did.” He stood up and made for the door of the Roadhouse.

“Oh,” he said, his hand on the door handle. Dean looked up at him. “Your Baby’s parked around the side. Cas did his best to remake it from memory. It’s a damn good copy if you ask me.” And then he stepped inside.

For some reason, that’s what finally made Dean’s throat close up and his vision go blurry. He set his beer down and put his head in his hands, trying to process everything he’d been feeling since he opened his eyes here. It all seemed made up, and he thought for a moment that this was just a dream, that he was back, alive and asleep in some motel room. But he knew it wasn’t true. He could feel the realness of this place, alien but still so, so real. Dean lifted his head and took a deep breath, gearing up for what he was about to do. He stood and stepped off the porch, walking into the clearing in front of the Roadhouse. He looked up at the sky.

“CAS!” He yelled, and then quieter, “Cas, are you really here? Can you- can you come?”

Dean knew the moment Cas appeared behind him, though he hadn’t moved a muscle. He closed his eyes and took another deep breath, and then turned around. Cas was standing there, a few feet away, just as he had been a million times before. He was wearing blue jeans and a black hoodie. It seemed finally he’d retired the trench coat. Dean’s mouth ran dry.

“Hello Dean.” Cas said, and Dean’s body was moving before he knew what was happening. He grabbed Cas tight and pulled him close, burying his face in his neck. He felt Cas’ hands wrap around his waist, and they took a moment to just stand there together.

“You asshole,” Dean said finally, his voice slightly hysterical. He pulled back to look at Cas. “How dare you die on me like that. You were just gone and I-”

“Took it upon yourself to die two weeks after I saved you?” Cas finished. He’d said it almost playfully, but Dean could hear frustration in his voice as well.

“It wasn’t on purpose. You know that.” Dean said. Cas’ mouth slid into a smile and Dean’s heart expanded with it.

“Yes, I know that. Doesn’t mean I can’t still give you shit for it.” Cas teased, and Dean thought it couldn’t get any better than this. He would be content to just stand here and talk to Cas for the rest of eternity. But there was something he needed to say.

“Cas, what you said before you-” Dean started, and Cas’ face shuttered closed.

“Don’t. You don’t have to-”

“But I do, Cas.” Dean said firmly. “Listen to me. I panicked when you said that. Death was literally knocking at the door and then you were saying goodbye like you meant it this time. Then you said you loved me and I was trying to get my mind around that. Around how an _angel_ , Cas, could love me, the guy who regularly gets drunk on gas station beer and can’t seem to stop fucking things up. And then you were gone and I couldn’t-” He stopped and took a deep breath.

“I didn’t know what to do after that. I sat around the bunker for days, trying to think of what I would say to you if I got one more chance.” Dean stepped closer and laid a hand on Cas’ cheek. Cas’ eyes widened and Dean let a small smile slip through.

“Do you know what I landed on? The only thing I could think of to tell you if I got the chance?” Dean brought his other hand up to Cas’ face, not about to let his sincerity in this moment go to waste. “I love you, Cas. More than anything. You said I changed you, but God, you changed me right back. I’m a better man, because of you. And I’m so sorry it took me so long to figure it out. You know I’m not the best at handling my emotions.” He finished with a small laugh. He and Cas just looked at each other for a moment. Dean panicked for a split second, thinking he’d read it all wrong and that Cas hadn’t meant _that_ kind of love.

But then Cas was kissing him, and all the loose pieces in Dean’s head slotted into place. He pushed closer into Cas’ space, let his hands loop around the back of his neck, let his fingers tangle into the short hairs there. Cas’ lips were warm and soft and so much more than Dean ever expected, but nothing has ever felt so right. Cas’ arms were tight around his waist, and they were pressed chest to chest and Dean thought _No, this is what I could spend eternity doing. I’m never giving this up._

Eventually they pulled back, both of them gasping for air, although a voice in the back of Dean’s mind told him they didn’t need it anymore. Cas rested his forehead against Dean’s and met his eyes with a smile that glowed brighter than the sun. Dean was sure that if he wasn’t already dead that smile would’ve killed him on the spot. He couldn’t do anything but smile back.

“You know I designed this part of heaven for you.” Cas said quietly. His nose brushed Dean’s and Dean’s eyes fluttered closed.

“I can tell.” Dean replied. “I can feel you here.”

“I built you a cabin not far from here. You can change it if you want but I just thought-” Cas said, but Dean cut him off, pulling back to look in his eyes.

“Can you stay? Will you stay there with me?” Dean asked. He was done not asking for what he wanted. The time for hesitancy had long passed. But even still, he felt like he was laying his heart bare, handing it over to Cas, asking him to take care of it.

Cas’ eyes brightened, “If you want me to, I’ll stay. Anything Dean, anything you want I’ll give you. Forever.”

Dean pulled him close and kissed him again. Because he was allowed to now. Because he wanted to.

“Just you.” He said against Cas’ lips. “That’s all I ever wanted. All I’ll ever want again.”

They stayed wrapped up in each other for a while longer, it could've been minutes or years. Dean wasn’t counting. He finally stepped back and grabbed Cas’ hand, pulling him towards the side of the Roadhouse where Bobby had told him Baby was parked. And then there she was, looking the same as she always had, and Dean felt his heart swell again. He thought he couldn’t love Cas anymore than he did, but he’s been wrong before.

“Thank you for this.” He told Cas. Cas grinned at him.

“Think of it as a ‘sorry you died but welcome to heaven’ gift.” He said. Dean threw his head back and laughed. He turned and pulled Cas close again.

“Hey,” he said, brushing their lips together, “I love you.”

Cas smiled that sunshine smile again, and Dean thought _This is what I was missing my whole life._

“I love you too.” Cas said, and kissed him again. Dean pulled back and walked over to the car.

“Come on. Let’s drive. I wanna see the rest of heaven.” He said and climbed in. Cas opened the passenger door and slid in next to him. Dean grabbed his hand, tangling their fingers together and pressing his lips to the back of Cas’ hand. The car started with a mere thought and Dean pulled out onto the dirt road.

And they drove.

**Author's Note:**

> hope that was as cathartic for u as it was for me to write xoxo
> 
> hmu on twitter @gideonnavs or tumblr @lynchsmere


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